Now I crouch in the night ...

I dreamed of a bomb that I wanted to detonate in the middle of our house! The house and the whole family should fly in the air and  destroy my silly hopes and these horrible dreams too!

I didn´t do it – but now I feel quite destroyed!

After some thought about this dream I came to the conclusion that during my life I had done nothing but make some kind of bombs against the almighty empire of endless pain. But all my films, pictures, projects; all these flashes that I hurled out into the world produced nothing, except sometimes a gentle rumble of thunder! 

There must be something to blame in my childhood. Maybe the grief for my mother, who was always sickly and suffered a lot. I wanted to stop this suffering and decided to cover up misery with darkness. Now I crouch in the night and can no longer see where the light is or at least the elevator that brings me closer to the sun.

Sure, under such conditions I can´t find anyone who appreciates and loves my works.

I remember the critic of “Weltwoche” who said after one of my film premieres that he would like to beat everything short and small. He obviously heard and understood my message – unlike me! (bk)